{Photocredit:unknown}
10/25/10
Dear Avvy,
I miss you so terribly bad right now, and that’s starting to make things just a little blucky, because everyone keeps asking me why I’m still waiting, but I want to show you that you are special Av. I want to show you that even though I did mess up, that I am waiting for you, and that no one else will so much as even touch me except for you. I wish that I could go back and change the things that I did, I wish I could go back and make my dress so beautifully white again, but it’s spotted over with ink Av. And I apologize for that.
I am so ready to start my life with you. I am so ready to start our story. I’m ready to fall in love with you. :) To see the ocean with you. To hold your hand. :) I love thinking about you and me seeing the ocean :).
The funny thing about this whole situation is the fact that I never in a million years would have thought I would ever be this ready for you. That I would love you unconditionally before we even met. That I would already be ready to embrace your flaws, and stand beside you during the storm. But God works in strange ways, and I think that He’s really been getting me ready for you. :) And giving up on you would be like giving up on the ocean. The ocean will always be here until God destroys the earth. So until that day, we’ll until the rapture, I will believe that you are coming for me.
I’ve always been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love you like I should, that I wouldn’t let myself be happy with you, but Av, I want to be yours. More than anything in the world. I want to prove my mom wrong when she says love like what I’m dreaming of with you doesn’t exist. I want to show her what happens when you wait for the right guy :) I want to show her that love is still real. She doesn’t know that I don’t think.
There was an old couple, who came into the Dollar Tree today, and he waited patiently as his wife looked through the aisles and when she had shopped to her heart’s content, they came into my check out line. I asked them how they were, and they said blessed and in good favor. And they asked me how I was, and I smiled and told them that I was very blessed, and then the old man paid for her things, and carried them out for her, although she insisted to help. He apologized for being so slow, and I told them that they were fine, and his wife says to him, We’re always slow you big goob. This made me smile, and before they walked out the door he said to her, of course we’re slow, it keeps you alive longer.
I want to be like that Av. I want to pick on each other in fun through it all. I want to go and waste time with you, because when I’m with you it won’t be a waste. :) So here I am at eighteen, trying to explain all of these things to you, trying to explain all of these things to myself, and I’m writing you letters that you can’t even answer back. But I have faith that you will one day.
I love how grounded writing you makes me feel. Like when I’m writing you, I feel like I won’t float away. Cutting used to do that for me.
I wish that we could talk Av, or just text or something. That would make all of this easier. It makes me so mad that I find it so hard to be patient with God over you. Because He tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart. And I know He has a plan for us, it’s just... I wonder if you are having as much trouble with this as I am.
I’m not going to date anyone else, I’ve decided that I don’t want to devote a whole bunch of time to someone who is clearly not you. I don’t to even hold someone else’s hand, unless it’s yours, and I certainly do not want to be giving away anymore of my kisses. Avvian, I want you to be my next and last first kiss. :)
In a lot of ways, I dread the day we meet, because I’m going to have to tell you everything and you are going to have to see things that you’d rather not see. And don’t get me wrong, I want to tell you everything. I don’t want to keep secrets from you. I just hate so much what I have to tell you, I think maybe it might hurt you, and that hurt look on your face will kill me.
I just hope you remember that all of this happened before I was saved, and before I decided that you own my heart. And I wish I could go back and change them but I can’t.
If you have messed up too, know that although I will be kind of sad at first, but know that I will understand, and that I will still love you the same. :) always. Nothing will change that. And if you didn’t, if you waited, know that I am so stinking proud of you. You completely rock my socks off.
Either way :)
I love you
No comments:
Post a Comment