Letter Number Nine

{photocredit: I wish I knew.}

10/29/10

My beloved Avvian,

I want to start this off with a promise.

I love you.

That’s my promise. It’s good forever, and it goes through anything. Sickness, health, storms, struggles, hard times, and happiness. I want to be there with you through it all. :) I want you to vent to me when you are angry, and tell me jokes when you’re not. I want to show you what it really is to be happy with someone. :)

On sixbillionsecrets.com, I read a post that said that she wanted to love a broken boy, because she wanted to show him that all girls aren’t bad. :) I don’t care if you are broken or not. I don’t care about your past. I don’t care about where or who you’ve been with. I just love you. :) I just want to love you. Do you know what I care about?

I care about your thoughts.

I care about your feelings.

I care about your future, about our future.

I care about standing beside you in the good times, and kneeling beside you in prayer through the hard times.

I care about holding your hand, and seeing that lovely gold band on your finger.

I love you Av.

I want to read poetry with you. I want to lie under a tree on a blanket in the park, and read poetry. I want to giggle with you if you mispronounce a word or two. I want to feel the sunlight on my face as you play with my hair, and we talk about the ocean, or about babies, or about love, or the way we met. :) I want you to tell me stories, about dirt poor college students, or about princesses in disguise. I want to wake up beside you. :) I want make you breakfast and watch movies with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Av. Because when I imagine all of these things, when I imagine you in my life, I see myself happy.

You know what makes me really sad? When people say that they are saved and then afterwards, start cussing, and basically living like hell right in front of you. And they just told you that they were saved.

I hate how people treat Jesus like a get out of hell free card. And when it’s their turn to live and do what they want, they fold him up and stick Him in their wallet. But as soon as they get in a jam they whip that card out and expect Him to do something. Or, if a door is closed, they try to still get in by jamming that card in the door to get in. But the Bible says that when God closes a door no man can open it.

I wish people could see Jesus for who He is. They would fall on their faces then. I wish that they realized what He went through, maybe then they’d get serious about Him.

Today I got an email with a daily devotional type of thing in it. And it talks about God laughing on the throne because He knows the final outcome of everything. And that made me smile, because He does know everything. He knows how every story is going to play out. He knows about all the dots, and all the dashes. :) and I like that.

But you know what really blows my mind Av?

How in the world can an Almighty, All-Powerful God love me? How in the world can He use me to do anything? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, trust me, I’m so honored. It’s just, I am so small, and I’ve messed up so many times, I’m just so floored that He wants me ya’ know. I am so amazed about that.
When I’m weak, He promises to make me strong.

When I’m blind, He shines His light on me.

It totally floors me to know that someone gave their life away so that I could live. I mean, I always knew that He died on the cross to save the poor sinful souls of the world, but I don’t know Av, it’s like when you get saved it means something so completely different, and just the mere thought of it makes tears come to your eyes because you realize for the first time how much He loved you in that particular second. And that makes me want to face plant the ground and just completely worship Him. I’ve always heard that sometimes when you pray you just sit there and cry because you don’t have the words to say. And that’s how I feel right now. I just I have no idea what to say to Him as I’m silently praying to Him and typing you this letter. I have heard this is when He hears your heart Av. I’ve heard that your heart has a language all of its own that can speak the most beautiful words, words that your head doesn’t even comprehend yet.

I wonder if you feel like this Av.

I wonder if you think about these things like I’m starting to.

I hope so.

I love you darling.

Love,