Letter Number Eleven

{photocredit: unknown}

10/31/10

My darling dearest Avvian,

So :) I have an uber amount of stories today. Like no joke, I have a lot of points that I need to say, so i'm going to make a list in a notebook document.

*twenty minutes later*

Okay :) I have my list :)

Okay, :) let's start this off with the fact that you can sing songs about Jesus until you're blue in the face, but they won't mean a thing until you get saved. And when you do get saved, and you stand up to sing, It's not just words on a page anymore Av, suddenly the words fly up and hit you right in the heart. Suddenly it means something to you, and then you want to sing more and more and louder and louder. :) It makes you want to worship like your very next breath depends on it. :) and I love that, like no joke. It's like it totally fills your heart up.

Second, I went to fifth quarter after the football game friday night. And Crestin used John 6 to say that we need to bring Jesus our empty baskets because He totally wants to fill them up to the point of overflowing. To the point of having leftovers :) and I love that Av. I want jesus to fill up my basket so that I'm always brimming over with Him :)

Thirdly, looking at the picture, I want to lay down with you by my side and blow bubbles with you. Okay, that sounds so stupid. But I do :) I want to look at them and try to guess how long they'll last before they pop. I want to make up stupid games with you Av :) I want to giggle and laugh and live with you :) I want to kiss you on the nose :) and hold your hand :)

Quatro, my papaw is sick again :( And i'm so worried about him av, like no joke. I am so worried that I'm going to lose him this time. And I really just don't know what to do, because he is the only actual grandparent that I've had my whole life. Like I know that sometimes he can get a little difficult, but I love him so much av. He looked at me the other day and told me that I sing pretty, and I was like thanks papaw, and he went on to say, do you remember when you were a little baby, and you'd cry and cry and I would just hold you and rock you and sing Jesus loves my little Emily. I love him. And he's like, remember when you used to stay with me and we'd go get breakfast together? And I just wanted to cry Av, because I look at him in that hospital bed and he looks so small and frail and vulnerable. And I can't do anything about it. and I had to take some things to him today at his house and he was just lying there. And he looked so sick Av. It made me just wanna cry, I tell you this because I don't want many people looking at me during an emotional breakdown like one that I'm having right now.

5. This saturday, I'm going on a church trip. And I'm so excited about it. I really think that the Lord is going to do good things through this. It's really beautiful. I love seeing how the Lord works.

Six. I like being out in the sun :) I like feeling the warmth on my face. It's like finally feeling sunlight. Finally feeling sunlight is all about being lost, in the dark, cold, alone, blind in a sense to everything around you, and then suddenly that burden being lifted. Taken away, healed in a sense and suddenly you are brought to the light. And you feel the warm sunshine on your arms for the first time in a long time. Then this really funny feeling begins to spread throughout your whole body defrosting your heart and pumping the fresh, warm blood through the rest of your aching, frozen limbs. It makes you feel a bit fuzzy at first, but then you realize it makes you feel alive. Like a feely good feeling was rising from the very tips of your toes and slowly crawling to the top, creating its own sort of beautiful right in the middle of your heart.

And SUDDENLY something hits you like a stack of bricks… this is what it feels like to surrender, to let JESUS take every bit and part of your life and to make it all His again. To clean you and save you over and over again, and you realize the magnificent love that dwells inside of your heart now, and you can’t help but to smile, because you feel so amazing inside. And you know that no matter how bad things threaten to get again, you are safe from the storm, wrapped in the loving hands of the one who calmed the seas. Knowing this, you have to look around to check and see if anyone else has caught on to this beautiful chaos erupting inside of your heart, causing you to leak from every possible opening with the purest and holiest of lights, because at that very moment you became His all over again. And all the feelings you felt the first time are intensified and somehow completely brand new.

Seven. I found this saying online that IT FEELS GOOD TO NOT FEEL THE PAIN ANYMORE. :) I like that :) because ever since I met jesus, I haven't felt that pain anymore. Because I dropped it all, all the addictions, all the pain all the misery, and i traded it for the keeper of the stars :) and His infinite powerful love. I'm 18 days sober av :) and I can say that with a smile, because, that's 18 days sober of it all. All the stuff I've been trying to quit for so long, now I have the strength. And you know what? I'm darn proud, because I have been tempted. Let's just get that point across right now.

I only have one more thing to mention. #8.

From every wound there is a scar

And from every scar there is a story,

a story that says, "I SURVIVED"

I like that Av, because I'm covered in scars. Emotional and physical, and you know what. I know who I am and I sure know who i was, and thank God, it's not about that.

It's not about my who I am now, and it's not about where I've been But it's who HE sees me as ya know :)

I love the fact that we worship an infinite being.

I love that He loves us with a love that will never fail.

And I love knowing that through HIS love, we are able to love each other :)

It blows my mind what HE can and wants to do for you and me.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11

"But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me." Psalm 40:17

I love you Av, and I am so stinking proud to call you mine.

Goodnight my Love,