Letter Number Nine

{photocredit: I wish I knew.}

10/29/10

My beloved Avvian,

I want to start this off with a promise.

I love you.

That’s my promise. It’s good forever, and it goes through anything. Sickness, health, storms, struggles, hard times, and happiness. I want to be there with you through it all. :) I want you to vent to me when you are angry, and tell me jokes when you’re not. I want to show you what it really is to be happy with someone. :)

On sixbillionsecrets.com, I read a post that said that she wanted to love a broken boy, because she wanted to show him that all girls aren’t bad. :) I don’t care if you are broken or not. I don’t care about your past. I don’t care about where or who you’ve been with. I just love you. :) I just want to love you. Do you know what I care about?

I care about your thoughts.

I care about your feelings.

I care about your future, about our future.

I care about standing beside you in the good times, and kneeling beside you in prayer through the hard times.

I care about holding your hand, and seeing that lovely gold band on your finger.

I love you Av.

I want to read poetry with you. I want to lie under a tree on a blanket in the park, and read poetry. I want to giggle with you if you mispronounce a word or two. I want to feel the sunlight on my face as you play with my hair, and we talk about the ocean, or about babies, or about love, or the way we met. :) I want you to tell me stories, about dirt poor college students, or about princesses in disguise. I want to wake up beside you. :) I want make you breakfast and watch movies with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Av. Because when I imagine all of these things, when I imagine you in my life, I see myself happy.

You know what makes me really sad? When people say that they are saved and then afterwards, start cussing, and basically living like hell right in front of you. And they just told you that they were saved.

I hate how people treat Jesus like a get out of hell free card. And when it’s their turn to live and do what they want, they fold him up and stick Him in their wallet. But as soon as they get in a jam they whip that card out and expect Him to do something. Or, if a door is closed, they try to still get in by jamming that card in the door to get in. But the Bible says that when God closes a door no man can open it.

I wish people could see Jesus for who He is. They would fall on their faces then. I wish that they realized what He went through, maybe then they’d get serious about Him.

Today I got an email with a daily devotional type of thing in it. And it talks about God laughing on the throne because He knows the final outcome of everything. And that made me smile, because He does know everything. He knows how every story is going to play out. He knows about all the dots, and all the dashes. :) and I like that.

But you know what really blows my mind Av?

How in the world can an Almighty, All-Powerful God love me? How in the world can He use me to do anything? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, trust me, I’m so honored. It’s just, I am so small, and I’ve messed up so many times, I’m just so floored that He wants me ya’ know. I am so amazed about that.
When I’m weak, He promises to make me strong.

When I’m blind, He shines His light on me.

It totally floors me to know that someone gave their life away so that I could live. I mean, I always knew that He died on the cross to save the poor sinful souls of the world, but I don’t know Av, it’s like when you get saved it means something so completely different, and just the mere thought of it makes tears come to your eyes because you realize for the first time how much He loved you in that particular second. And that makes me want to face plant the ground and just completely worship Him. I’ve always heard that sometimes when you pray you just sit there and cry because you don’t have the words to say. And that’s how I feel right now. I just I have no idea what to say to Him as I’m silently praying to Him and typing you this letter. I have heard this is when He hears your heart Av. I’ve heard that your heart has a language all of its own that can speak the most beautiful words, words that your head doesn’t even comprehend yet.

I wonder if you feel like this Av.

I wonder if you think about these things like I’m starting to.

I hope so.

I love you darling.

Love,

Letter Number Eight

{Photocredit: Unknown}

10/28/10

Dear Av,

This picture is actually the background on my phone today. Want to know why? It reminds me of you! Like no joke. It reminds me that you are still coming for me and that you are the best reason in the world to resist temptation and wait. AND I love the fact that he’s wearing that ring :) Because it reminds me that you’re mine and you are coming for me.

I’ve started to wear my ring again. I think it really kind of scares a lot of guys off, but that’s okay, because then I know that they are not you. And we both know that I don’t want to be with anyone but you.

Yesterday was Wednesday so it meant no work, but it also meant church, and I love church you know. And I actually have a lot to tell you about so this is a long letter. Two days packed into one.

I found out that my papaw was put in the hospital. They think that he has a kink in his intestine, and they’re going to probably do surgery, but with his heart condition, it’s really risky. Nicole had to go sit with him for eight hours, and I HAD to go do her babysitting job for her. But more on that later.

I went to church, and accidently missed the supper they had, but it was kinda a mixed blessing you know because chili gives me heartburn really bad. So, anyway it was a really nice meeting :) Crestin talked about how God opens and closes doors, and how He puts certain pedestals for Him to show everyone else what He likes :) But he also talked about how dangerous it is for us to be on the top because everyone wants to knock us off. He also mentioned to be careful what you want, because you will always get what you want, but you’ll lose what you got.

So then after church I went to see papaw, but out of the goodness of my heart, I went to get my sister some dinner, because she’d been at the hospital all day. First she yells at me for getting her the wrong drink, complains saying she has a migrane, and then goes as far as to say that she’d been stuck there for eight hours. And that really hurt my feelings Avv. Because I WANTED to be there ya’ know. But where was I? Doing her babysitting job. Taking care of the kids. It made me so mad, and she didn’t even offer to pay me back for her food. And I didn’t even get to see him. During all that, I didn’t get to see him.

So I took the kids home, and got ready for bed. I got on omegle for a quick chat to uplift someone’s spirit. And this I told this guy that Jesus loved him, and he said to eff Jesus. So we had this big long conversation about the bible and God and whatnot. And then he said...

You: god doesnt shove his finger in to bless and help those who arent his, or who those who are and are not listening

Stranger: i listend friend
Stranger: for 20 years i listened

You: howso

Stranger: i followed his word
Stranger: believed every bit of it
Stranger: and i never felt a single thing for it
Stranger: not a single moment of religious clarity
Stranger: no words from above
Stranger: no divine light
Stranger: no answers when i needed them
Stranger: no comfort when i needed it
Stranger: it was all hollow to me
Stranger: i gave god plenty of time to give a f**k

You: :( that makes me want to cry great buckets of tears.
because you just didn't have something real.
I was like that.
I thought that me and jesus had a relationship for 10 years
You: I just got saved 14 days ago
You: ive never been happier.

Stranger: before you get the wrong idea
Stranger: i didnt just stop listening
Stranger: as i got older
Stranger: learned about the world
Stranger: i just realized it was bulls**t
Stranger: but during my entire youth he had a shot if he is real

You: I wish, that the right person had gotten a hold of you then like they did for me.
You: because it scares me to think about all the people who have religion and no actual jesus,

That’s actual convo material. I don’t know if I thought I could change his mind, I think I just wanted him to think about what he was giving up ya know. So anyways, I cried for this man. I cried for me, because I think I realized for the first time what I could have been without Jesus ya’ know.

Today is Thursday. I have to work 5-9. I also have to go meet with someone over my insurance. I don’t know if I will get to see papaw or not. I hope I do.

I made two new friends. We are just starting to get to know each other. I think that one is still just barely a teenager, but I like talking to her. She thinks I’m cool because I want to be a therapist, and I like that :) She told me last night that she wanted to wait for her future husband, and I loved that :) I wished I would have waited on you Avv. I’m sorry.

Sidenote- if someone tosses a coke can (unopened) at your windshield at 60 mph, you are dead. I learned it on mythbusters. I’m eating lifesavers. The wint o green kind and on the back it says Tastes like zero degrees. So I pop in in my mouth.

Zero degrees tastes good.

I love you Av.

Letter Number Seven

{Photocredit:unknown}

10/25/10

Dear Avvy,

I miss you so terribly bad right now, and that’s starting to make things just a little blucky, because everyone keeps asking me why I’m still waiting, but I want to show you that you are special Av. I want to show you that even though I did mess up, that I am waiting for you, and that no one else will so much as even touch me except for you. I wish that I could go back and change the things that I did, I wish I could go back and make my dress so beautifully white again, but it’s spotted over with ink Av. And I apologize for that.

I am so ready to start my life with you. I am so ready to start our story. I’m ready to fall in love with you. :) To see the ocean with you. To hold your hand. :) I love thinking about you and me seeing the ocean :).

The funny thing about this whole situation is the fact that I never in a million years would have thought I would ever be this ready for you. That I would love you unconditionally before we even met. That I would already be ready to embrace your flaws, and stand beside you during the storm. But God works in strange ways, and I think that He’s really been getting me ready for you. :) And giving up on you would be like giving up on the ocean. The ocean will always be here until God destroys the earth. So until that day, we’ll until the rapture, I will believe that you are coming for me.

I’ve always been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love you like I should, that I wouldn’t let myself be happy with you, but Av, I want to be yours. More than anything in the world. I want to prove my mom wrong when she says love like what I’m dreaming of with you doesn’t exist. I want to show her what happens when you wait for the right guy :) I want to show her that love is still real. She doesn’t know that I don’t think.

There was an old couple, who came into the Dollar Tree today, and he waited patiently as his wife looked through the aisles and when she had shopped to her heart’s content, they came into my check out line. I asked them how they were, and they said blessed and in good favor. And they asked me how I was, and I smiled and told them that I was very blessed, and then the old man paid for her things, and carried them out for her, although she insisted to help. He apologized for being so slow, and I told them that they were fine, and his wife says to him, We’re always slow you big goob. This made me smile, and before they walked out the door he said to her, of course we’re slow, it keeps you alive longer.

I want to be like that Av. I want to pick on each other in fun through it all. I want to go and waste time with you, because when I’m with you it won’t be a waste. :) So here I am at eighteen, trying to explain all of these things to you, trying to explain all of these things to myself, and I’m writing you letters that you can’t even answer back. But I have faith that you will one day.

I love how grounded writing you makes me feel. Like when I’m writing you, I feel like I won’t float away. Cutting used to do that for me.

I wish that we could talk Av, or just text or something. That would make all of this easier. It makes me so mad that I find it so hard to be patient with God over you. Because He tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart. And I know He has a plan for us, it’s just... I wonder if you are having as much trouble with this as I am.

I’m not going to date anyone else, I’ve decided that I don’t want to devote a whole bunch of time to someone who is clearly not you. I don’t to even hold someone else’s hand, unless it’s yours, and I certainly do not want to be giving away anymore of my kisses. Avvian, I want you to be my next and last first kiss. :)

In a lot of ways, I dread the day we meet, because I’m going to have to tell you everything and you are going to have to see things that you’d rather not see. And don’t get me wrong, I want to tell you everything. I don’t want to keep secrets from you. I just hate so much what I have to tell you, I think maybe it might hurt you, and that hurt look on your face will kill me.

I just hope you remember that all of this happened before I was saved, and before I decided that you own my heart. And I wish I could go back and change them but I can’t.

If you have messed up too, know that although I will be kind of sad at first, but know that I will understand, and that I will still love you the same. :) always. Nothing will change that. And if you didn’t, if you waited, know that I am so stinking proud of you. You completely rock my socks off.

Either way :)

I love you

Letter Number Six

{photocredit: still unknown}

10/24/10

My Darling Avvian,

I really hope that me giving you an actual name doesn’t offend you darling. It just makes you more real to me ya’ know?

Wow Avv, :) Okay so I’m reading my bible and I stumbled on the Song of Solomon which is totally on love and marriage. And I’m reading the little side note thing in my bible and it talks about how the love God has for us and the love Jesus has for his church is the very backbone of all true human love. *squeals*

I love that. When we fall into real true love, like I have dreamed of forever, Jesus will be the backbone of that love. And ultimately, we are then able to love each other because he loves us :). Ohmygoodness! Nelly bring the cows home. Can you even comprehend how amazing this is? Cause that totally deserves an amen.

A-men :)

Okay, so a really uber cool thing. I’m reading this, and it talks about this chicklet who is totally longing for this guy. And I’m like hold the chuck wagon, I’m totally right here too. Cause I don’t know if you could tell this from the last 5 or so letters, but...

I LONG FOR YOU.

I don’t want to say that too much, because I’m afraid that you will get tired of it. And it’s basically been in the last letters, and I don’t want you to think that you are all I think about. But for me you cannot come soon enough.

Crestin talked about following God tonight, he talked about how sometimes we get tired of it taking so long, and we see a side road and decide to take it thinking that it will be shorter and that we will meet up with God later on. But trust me Av, it;s not.

“It can get mighty narrow and dark down those side roads.” (Crestin.)

I pray that you don’t get lost on one of those side roads Avv.
Follow God to me?

Please?

I love you.

Letter Number Five

{photocredit: unknown}

Dear Avvy,

I miss you like a palm tree misses the sunlight. No joke, and there is actually a story behind that. BUT FIRST.

I gave my testimony last night, and I was no joke so dang nervous. But as we came down from singing Kyle asked me if I would, and I was like, yeah okay. That's cool, because I think I knew in a way that he was going to ask. So then Kyle was like, I'll be praying for you and I was like awh :) thanks. And then he told me that I would be able to help people with my story more than he ever could. And I thought that it was a really sweet thing to say.

So then I was like super nervous about getting up there, but Crestin showed me a verse on his blackberry in Jeremiah I think, and it was SO pretty. And then he told me to be bold, that he had all the confidence in the world that I was going to affect people with my life. And I felt so much better after that. :) So I got up there and talked, and I would tell you what I said, but I honestly have no idea what in the world I said. Seriously. It just all spilled out.

And I am so glad that I did it now. Like I am so happy Av. It feels like the ocean has erupted inside my heart. and you know how I love the ocean. I just wish that you were here to share this with me.

BUT the Bible says in Psalm 37:4

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

And I deeply and truly believe that. Especially when it comes to you. I believe that God can see all the parts of my heart, and I believe that He can see that the biggest desire I have is being more like Him, and next is finding you Av. :) And I trust that someday, hopefully soon, He'll drop you off on my doorstep. That's why I am trying so very hard to be patient. I know God has a plan, and I know that He is getting us ready for each other, and soon, we'll be dancing on rooftops and whatnot.

Av, I want to support your dreams and passions. I want to stand right next to you through the fiercest of storms, I want to get through things with you. But God always comes first. Always. Because how can we be passionate about anything if the maker of the night sky isn't feeling our hearts with fire? And how on earth are we going to stand firm through the storm if the Great Refuge isn't shielding us from the powerful winds? We can't. We'll fall Av. And you know it.

I don't want to fall out of love with you Av. That will be the saddest day of my life.

But, back to the story. Kyle preached a message about the ocean yesterday morning which of course i thought was too cool because it was my first time back at church since being saved. :)

Anyway, he said the ocean was a symbol of how powerful He is. And it can show man how helpless and hopeless he is against an Almighty God. And then he talked about how the sand reminded us that God thinks about us all the time.

Think about it Av. GOD THINKS ABOUT ME. Can you believe that? With all the things that I have done wrong. He thinks about me. Psalm 139:17 & 18 basically says that His thoughts toward me are more numerous than the grains of sand. I am in no way worthy of God's most vilest thoughts, but He thinks the sweetest things about me.

:) He thinks about my dreams, about my life, my thoughts. He thinks about my future, about our future, HE THINKS ABOUT US AVVY. He thinks about the very day will we will meet. He knows the exact place, and the exact time, and the exact way we will meet. :) He'll give us that little stir in our hearts Avvian, that desire to get to know each other, and then the next you know we'll be planning a wedding, and painting a nursery, reading in the park, :) growing old together. DOES THAT NOT BLOW YOUR MIND? Because it totally does mine.

And then Kyle told us about the palm tree. About how it can take the fiercest of storms, and how it can bend and bend and bend until it's touching the ground, but you can come back a couple of days later in the sunlight, and see that has popped right back up and is stretching up to the sun. He told us how much sweeter their fruit is in their old age. AND that palm trees don't break.

I want us to be palm trees Avvian. I want to be able to bend with you through the storms, and I want to grow with you in the SON. :)

I love you.

Letter Number Four

{photocredit: unknown}

My beloved,

It’s game time my darling, and I just paid five bucks to not watch the game, but to write you instead.

I’m lonely here without you though. Every one of my friends is here with their significant other, and all I can think is how you should be here with me holding my freezing cold hand. I hate this waiting period, but I know that we have to wait that god is pruning us for each other. That He is letting us grow.

So, for this reason, I will attempt to wait patiently. I know it’s in God’s timing, but I can’t help but look and wonder if he’s you.

I love the fall season, and I love living in my hometown for one reason.

October looks like fire.

I think you would like the colors here. The reds, oranges, yellows, and greens. I long for the sky scrapers and city lights. I hope you do too my dear. (:

So, my friends and I have made you up a nickname to make it easier to refer to you. So, Mr. Avvian (: I love you. Greatly and truly. You own my heart.

I bought a new bible today Avvy. It was $60. But it’s really cool. It has the words of God & Christ in red. And also like 100 million page concordance. I think that it can really help me learn a lot. Or so I hope.

I’m sitting alone now Av, well as alone as you can be at football game.

Letter Number Three

{photocredit: unknown}

My dearest Mr. Forever,

Okay so today is really Thursday, and I know that it's kind of cheating, but in all the excitement I forgot to write it down.

Wednesday night, at 6:45 p.m. 10-13-10, I got saved!!!!!

Wow, right? Like I always had a profession, but I never felt any different, and I certainly didn't act any different.

And now I feel like the ocean has erupted inside of me, and I'm so happy I can't even stay still, whereas earlier, like when I first texted Crestin, I was so scared that I was literally shaking like a leaf. No joke.

I just can't believe that I went ten years without knowing that I was lost. I mean looking back, it makes sense now, but if I would have died... I would have been in hell. And that totally blows my mind.

I'm just glad God was like, Hey,come home :)
And I was like :) okay :)

I'm so happy that I'm another step closer to being with you. :) I hope you love Him as much as I do. I'll keep my eye on the lookout for you. I love you.

Love,