Letter Number Sixteen

{photocredit: unknown}

11/4&5/10

Mr. Avvian,

I think that people look so darn elegant under water. Wouldn’t you agree?

I decided to write you first thing this morning for a reason. I received a text this morning and it said wake up :] and it really just for some reason made me think of you trying to wake me up in the mornings. :) And then when I finally do emerge out of dreamland, I see your smiling face. One word. Awesome.

I had a thought last night :) A thought about something I kind of need to do today. Grocery shopping. Can you imagine us shopping together? :) I could actually see us in the toy aisles goofing off more than anything. I think you’ll be cool like that. :) I think you’ll find the uber dorky things to be fun like me. :) I like to play with the toys you know.

And then finally, when we start actually shopping for real, oh my goodness :) I’m sure you’ll suggest something, and I’ll scrunch my nose up. Because it’ll sound funny. And I think you’ll laugh. And one of us, not naming any names. BLINK BLINK. One of us will act a heck of a lot more mature than the other.

You know what av? :) I just want to be around you. Did you know that I am so excited for the day we get married? Not for the honeymoon, or the wedding service, or rings, or cake or anything of that caliber (even though I am excited for these things). I am excited for our wedding day, because I cannot wait for the day that I finally tie myself to you forever. :) I can’t wait to see you excited. I can’t wait to be yours. I can’t wait to wake up to you every morning. I can’t wait to just be together.

It kills me to see people who are about to get married and they look like someone just died. And then you ask them if they’re excited, and they just look at you tired and annoyed with the subject and they’re like yeah I guess, like someone’s holding a gun to their head.

THAT KILLS ME.

I don’t want to be like that Av. The thought of being like that about you kills me. It honestly is about to make me cry. I want to be smiling nonstop for weeks, and months. Heck I’m smiling right now :) I love that. I love that I’m excited to be with you. And when all the excitement dies down, and all the glitter gets blown away, I want to still be wearing that same smile. Because you are amazing Av. And I want to be able to show the world that :)

I want to wake up to your smiling face. :) I want to giggle when and if you ever have bed head. I want to make breakfast with you, and talk about God with you. Maybe that’s where my parents went wrong. Maybe, they did not talk about God like you and me are going to. I want you to tell me about things that you discover in the Bible, I want to grow with you Av. I want to be strong beside you.

I want to be happy with you.

You are much more to me than just a warm body on a cold night, more than just a hand to hold when I’m alone, more than just another footprints beside mine in the sand. You my darling Avvian, you are my best friend, the other half of my heart :) And I love that. :)

It feels so funny because to tell you all the clichés would be a lie. You are not my first true love. That was Jesus. You don’t own my heart or cause it to beat (although, you do make it beat in funny patterns.) You didn’t save my soul. I think you understand these things Av, because I believe that you love Jesus every bit as much as I do. I think you put Him first and then me, and together, you both plan to overwhelm me in love and protection. But it’s a good kind of overwhelming. It’s one that makes you feel happy inside.

When I am alone, it gets hard to remember that you are coming for me Av. It gets difficult to know that you really are out there. And I look at all these people who look so happy because they have “found” what they are looking for. But perhaps, perhaps they were mistaken like me. Maybe they’re really looking for something more special, they just are not aware of it yet.

They tell me it’s snowing outside Av. That makes snow number one of winter. :) I like the first snow. I like how it covers over everything, even fresh ashes, and for a while, it makes it white. I think a lot of times, people are like this. I think that when people go to church and they here a message, and they go to the altar, and they profess to be saved, I think it’s a lot of times like a first snow. It covers over the ashes at first, but slowly, as time goes by, and the ashes remain as they were, the snow starts to blacken, and the mask slips off. When people do not actually change, maybe there was nothing really there in the first place.

That scares me.

Not for me, but for others. You can get lost behind the religious mask like that, your heart can become paper, and after a while, nothing is real about you anymore, You are nothing but a filthy paper doll with tabbed on church clothes. You look like the real deal. You talk like the real deal, but when it comes down to it, you’re just not willing to make the step in the right direction.

I hope you’re not like that Av.

I hope you are not some manmade paper doll that can play church. Sometimes church scares me. The thought that someone can play church scares me. But you see, I’ve done it. It’s shaking hands with the elders, telling the preachers good morning. A smile here, a nod there, an amen when needed. Check your watch, it’s almost twelve. How many things can you think of that starts with the letter R? Count the number of people wearing blue. Attempt a headcount. Read your bulletin twelve times. Think about the dirty things you watched on tv last night.

You see, when it really comes down to it, no one really knows. I mean I can know people can tell when others are about to really drown, but, a lot of times, the one that notices is too busy playing church too.

I don’t want to be like that Av. I don’t want us to be like that.

I want us to be special.

I love you.