Letter Number Eightteen

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11/30/10

Dear Avvian,

This is technically the LAST fall picture that I can use, because really, it’s not really fall anymore. It’s more like… WINTER.

Trust me, those dropping temperatures don’t mean that it’s fall. It means get ready Hilda, the snow is coming. Fact: When I went to my car this morning, it was iced over and it was spitting snow.

This makes me wonder if you have to deal with things like snow. That sounds really stupid when I read it over to myself, but I do. Does it snow where you are? There are just so many darn things that I do not know. And that is just not cool. Because I think, if I knew a bit more, I would totally facebook stalk you. Because I’m weird like that. I would want to know what you were into and what you thought was important.

Do you enjoy reading? I wonder. Because in winter, there is nothing that I love more than reading a nice long book. I have to warn you though. I am an emotional reader.

It’s so difficult for me not knowing what it is that you like. It makes things hard for me to imagine. In a lot of ways, I wish I already knew so I could compromise if needed, but I still want you to be a surprise. I want to know what charities you support, and what your dream job is, and if you are working on it now. I wonder what you want to do in the world. I want to know what kind of change you want to be able to make.

I wonder what kind of Godly man you will be. The one who goes to church and gets excited or the one who goes excited. (:

I want to know you Av.

So hurry home to me please.

Love,

The Letter of Worship

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11/5/10

My precious one,

This is a letter about worship. :)

Not the kind of worship you find in stores on cd’s.

That kind of worship simply won’t do here. Want to know why? Because those CD’s basically say well if you listen and sing these songs, you are worshiping God.

But I believe that is a lie. You cannot sing about someone you don’t really know.

So, dear Av, this is a letter about real worship.

What is worship?

I have pondered so much on this question. What is worship? Most of the people who told me what they thought worship was, only really mentioned what it looks like.

Eyes closed, hands in the air, gently swaying back and forth to the music as the words to an acoustic song pour out of the mouth.

Some say it is motion, like dancing.

Some tell me it’s the way you speak in tongues.

Some explain worship by describing running around and jumping and screaming.

And who am I to say that none of this is pleasing in the eye of God? For I know not His mind, nor do I know His heart.

But none of this is worship to me.

I believe that each person worships God in their own way, and I believe that a lot of times, people don’t worship the same way.

Sometimes, worship for me comes in the car when I’m driving down the road, and I have one of my CD’s in.

Sometimes, worship comes to me while I’m at church, singing with the youth.

A lot of times, worship comes to me right here, on the very pages of your letters.

Worship comes to me when I read the swirls of beautiful lines of His Holy Word.

Sometimes, I am seated.

Sometimes, my hands are raised.

Sometimes, I’m on my knees.

I don’t believe that worship is visible, so in reality, none of the above define it.

I believe that true and pure worship is something you can only feel in your heart. And I believe that the above actions happen as a direct reaction to this feeling in your heart.

Worship is a twinge, a realization, a proclamation that Holy God is so much bigger than you, that you do not deserve His love, yet you are His.

I believe that worship is the way we love Him back.

I believe that it is the thank you that we owe Him.

I believe that worship is the way He takes our hearts and makes them a little more like His.

Someone told me that they hated it when worship was over. And that really confused me.

How can worship be over? I ask. and they sent me a message back and say ya’ know, at the end of the service.

This totally broke my heart. Because worship doesn’t have to ever be over. Worship can last all day, all week, all month, all year.

Worship is creative like that. It doesn’t have to end, that feeling never has to go away.

More and more I am learning that, and leaning on that truth. I want to be in worship mode 24/7. I want to always have God on my mind. I want to always be surrounded by the overwhelming feeling that only loving Him can bring.

You want to know about a tragedy? More serious than 9/11? More devastating the starving children in Haiti?

Empty Worship.

Worship is that special time where we can be completely awed, amazed, and floored and attempt telling Him all this, but not knowing where to begin. :)

You know what I desire Av? I want to be ready for worship when a tragedy shakes up my world. I want to be ready to fall on the floor and worship God when I’m hurting so bad that I cannot handle anything else in the world. I want to be ready for Him. I want to show the devil that I’m stronger than anything that he can throw. I long for that worship that is going to break my heart. When all I can do is lay there and cry out to God for comfort. And comfort will come. Because Jesus is the Almighty Comforter. And He loves me.

“Sorrow and worship are not exclusive. In fact, sometimes they move through our hearts so tightly bound that we can’t pull them apart...

Worship reminds us that this isn’t the end of the story. This isn’t even the best part of the story. The song we sing facedown on the ground through tears, in the mud and with broken hearts is just the beginning of a symphony that is building, rising and swelling into eternity.”

(p. 163 Paperdoll- Natalie Lloyd)

I like that quote :)

I don’t want to be a paper doll with a wardrobe of tab on faith. I want myself to be the real deal. I want the whole package. I want the love of God to flood my heart and fill my water pots. I want it to flow over off into the lives of everyone I see. I want people to be able to look at me and see God. I want them to see I’m real. Not just another paper heart out on parade. I don’t want to host paper tea parties, with all of my paper doll friends.

Do you want to know why I am so set on being real Av? Because paper dolls melt in the rain.

When the rain comes, I want to be ready. Strong and flexible, like the palm trees.

And I hope you feel like that too.

I want abundant life over a paper facade. Abundant life is scary and intimidating and amazing. You know what I love about Jesus? I love that His kingdom was never about the glitter and glamour. I like how Jesus got in the muck. How He talked to the people the world labeled as outcasts. How He passed up castles and luxury to have dinner with Mary and Martha, How He looked over the important people of that day and called out the little guy in the tree. How he liked to be among his friends. And how He loved His parents, and how He took time out to spend with God the Father.

Jesus understood love.

That is a statement that no one else walking this earth can make. And who am I not to love Him, not to want to give Him my worship? He fought for me once, and still is today. He laid His life down so I could be saved. He says that He will never leave me. Therefore, I have to say that every day, He wins my heart. Repeatedly.

I would say more Av, I could go on forever and ever about how amazing it is to worship God, but it’s like all the words in my head fell into my heart and exploded into a million fragments.

I am so speechless and awed at God right now. :)

I love it.

I love you.

And I love the Master Creator of Worship.

Letter Number Seventeen

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November 5, 2010

My darling,

This is not a wholehearted letter because, I want to tell you things later, well I’m working on a special letter. One that may take a couple of days to finish. And I’m really excited about that.. It’s just that I wanted to tell you that I want to go driving with you. :)

I don’t want to go anywhere in particular, well haha that’s a lie. :) we all know that we’re heading to the ocean :) But I want to hold your hand as we drive. I want to play silly things, I want to sing with you, and talk with you, and drive through finger-painted sunsets with you.

I don’t think you realize how much I just want to be with you, be around you, be doing things with you. Not because you’re cool or anything like that, but simply because I adore your company. I adore the fact that we’re made in the image of God Almighty and destined for each other.

:) And I just wanted to write you a little letter saying that at the end of this sentence, your letter is now 15,056 words and counting.

Letter Number Sixteen

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11/4&5/10

Mr. Avvian,

I think that people look so darn elegant under water. Wouldn’t you agree?

I decided to write you first thing this morning for a reason. I received a text this morning and it said wake up :] and it really just for some reason made me think of you trying to wake me up in the mornings. :) And then when I finally do emerge out of dreamland, I see your smiling face. One word. Awesome.

I had a thought last night :) A thought about something I kind of need to do today. Grocery shopping. Can you imagine us shopping together? :) I could actually see us in the toy aisles goofing off more than anything. I think you’ll be cool like that. :) I think you’ll find the uber dorky things to be fun like me. :) I like to play with the toys you know.

And then finally, when we start actually shopping for real, oh my goodness :) I’m sure you’ll suggest something, and I’ll scrunch my nose up. Because it’ll sound funny. And I think you’ll laugh. And one of us, not naming any names. BLINK BLINK. One of us will act a heck of a lot more mature than the other.

You know what av? :) I just want to be around you. Did you know that I am so excited for the day we get married? Not for the honeymoon, or the wedding service, or rings, or cake or anything of that caliber (even though I am excited for these things). I am excited for our wedding day, because I cannot wait for the day that I finally tie myself to you forever. :) I can’t wait to see you excited. I can’t wait to be yours. I can’t wait to wake up to you every morning. I can’t wait to just be together.

It kills me to see people who are about to get married and they look like someone just died. And then you ask them if they’re excited, and they just look at you tired and annoyed with the subject and they’re like yeah I guess, like someone’s holding a gun to their head.

THAT KILLS ME.

I don’t want to be like that Av. The thought of being like that about you kills me. It honestly is about to make me cry. I want to be smiling nonstop for weeks, and months. Heck I’m smiling right now :) I love that. I love that I’m excited to be with you. And when all the excitement dies down, and all the glitter gets blown away, I want to still be wearing that same smile. Because you are amazing Av. And I want to be able to show the world that :)

I want to wake up to your smiling face. :) I want to giggle when and if you ever have bed head. I want to make breakfast with you, and talk about God with you. Maybe that’s where my parents went wrong. Maybe, they did not talk about God like you and me are going to. I want you to tell me about things that you discover in the Bible, I want to grow with you Av. I want to be strong beside you.

I want to be happy with you.

You are much more to me than just a warm body on a cold night, more than just a hand to hold when I’m alone, more than just another footprints beside mine in the sand. You my darling Avvian, you are my best friend, the other half of my heart :) And I love that. :)

It feels so funny because to tell you all the clichés would be a lie. You are not my first true love. That was Jesus. You don’t own my heart or cause it to beat (although, you do make it beat in funny patterns.) You didn’t save my soul. I think you understand these things Av, because I believe that you love Jesus every bit as much as I do. I think you put Him first and then me, and together, you both plan to overwhelm me in love and protection. But it’s a good kind of overwhelming. It’s one that makes you feel happy inside.

When I am alone, it gets hard to remember that you are coming for me Av. It gets difficult to know that you really are out there. And I look at all these people who look so happy because they have “found” what they are looking for. But perhaps, perhaps they were mistaken like me. Maybe they’re really looking for something more special, they just are not aware of it yet.

They tell me it’s snowing outside Av. That makes snow number one of winter. :) I like the first snow. I like how it covers over everything, even fresh ashes, and for a while, it makes it white. I think a lot of times, people are like this. I think that when people go to church and they here a message, and they go to the altar, and they profess to be saved, I think it’s a lot of times like a first snow. It covers over the ashes at first, but slowly, as time goes by, and the ashes remain as they were, the snow starts to blacken, and the mask slips off. When people do not actually change, maybe there was nothing really there in the first place.

That scares me.

Not for me, but for others. You can get lost behind the religious mask like that, your heart can become paper, and after a while, nothing is real about you anymore, You are nothing but a filthy paper doll with tabbed on church clothes. You look like the real deal. You talk like the real deal, but when it comes down to it, you’re just not willing to make the step in the right direction.

I hope you’re not like that Av.

I hope you are not some manmade paper doll that can play church. Sometimes church scares me. The thought that someone can play church scares me. But you see, I’ve done it. It’s shaking hands with the elders, telling the preachers good morning. A smile here, a nod there, an amen when needed. Check your watch, it’s almost twelve. How many things can you think of that starts with the letter R? Count the number of people wearing blue. Attempt a headcount. Read your bulletin twelve times. Think about the dirty things you watched on tv last night.

You see, when it really comes down to it, no one really knows. I mean I can know people can tell when others are about to really drown, but, a lot of times, the one that notices is too busy playing church too.

I don’t want to be like that Av. I don’t want us to be like that.

I want us to be special.

I love you.

Letter Number Fifteen

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11/3/10

My Dashing Prince,

Whose arm is this? You may wonder, but no, it is not mine. This is the arm of Demi Lovato. But if you look again, more closely this time, you will notice that this is the arm of much of America. If you read between the scars, you will be able to see the pain, the stress, and the sheer hopeless thought of having nowhere else to go.

I say again. This is America.

I pity this girl, because I know what it is like to walk a mile in her shoes. (And let me tell you. She wears some pretty high heels). I know what it’s like to feel like there is really nothing else. But I was wrong, and so is she.

I wonder greatly if I would shun her had I not done the same thing. It would have been shallow of me, but I think that I might have. Simply for the fact that I wouldn’t know what she was going through. I wouldn’t understand. I think that is the problem with the world, well that and they don’t have Jesus. Everyone is so quick to judge, so quick to make jokes. But not many people have actually been to that point in their life.

I know that some people do it for the fun, I know that they do it because they think that it looks cool, but not everyone is like that. Some people just really need help, and the people who ridicule them need it also.

If I could reach out for just one day and show the world what these people were feeling, if I could make them understand, it would be a great accomplishment.

In the first couple of days before I was saved, I really hated my scars. I still have trouble accepting one. But then I heard this song.

He reached out His hands, and said I have something to show you.

What I saw changed my life that day.

I saw His scars. No, He didn’t try to hide them.

He said come and look inside them, they’re a window to my heart.

Don’t forget I love you, just the way you are.

I knew it must be true, I saw His scars.

I said Lord my scars are deep. I don’t want you to see them.

So many of them were caused by things I chose to do.

He said look again at the ones that I am wearing, Don’t you know that I chose these scars too?

I really like that, because I chose my scars, both the ones on my legs and the ones in my heart. I chose those. BUT then Jesus looked at me and told me to look at the ones He IS wearing. Because I’ve never really thought about this, but HE chose those too. I think it’s so beautiful that when Jesus came back to life after those three days, He was in a glorified body. Not one that was beaten and spit upon and broken, but a new body. His back wasn’t mangled, there was no hole in his side.

But He decided to KEEP the scars on His loving hands.

I think in a lot of ways, He did that just for me, and I can see God healing His wounds before He made His big appearance, and God’s over here fixing everything, making Him beautiful. And when God gets to His hands, I believe He yanked them away. I want to keep them for Em. He says. And I think that there is so many people that can apply this to their selves. He kept His scars for you.

One day in Heaven, when we are on our knees,

We’ll look up at Jesus, I believe we’ll see,

We’ll see His scars, no, He will not try to hide them.

He’ll say come and look inside them, they’re a window to my heart.

Don’t forget I love you, just the way you are.

We’ll know that it’s true, we’ll see His scars.

I love you Av, and so does the One who kept His scars to remind you He loves you.

Letter Number Fourteen

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11/2/10

My Shining Knight,

I’m writing you today because I have Calvary on my mind. Like no joke. Because I’ve thought about this before and now I think I’m really onto something special. And to adequately describe what I’m thinking, we are going to use some song lyrics.

When I see the cross, I see Heaven reaching down,

Think about it. The Father of all fathers is sitting looking down on us in Heaven, and He is just waiting to lavish us with gifts that will overwhelm and totally blow our minds. Gift # 1: Jesus Christ. Destined to be a sacrifice from His birth in a lowly manger. That was totally what I would call Heaven reaching down to offer the earth a second chance. :)

I see my sin and what it cost when I see the cross.

I think that a lot of the time, the problem with the human race is that we often forget to look at the price tag attached to the deed we want to commit. Maybe if we did, a lot of us wouldn’t do it. Maybe if we looked and said, “Hmm, premarital sex, well that’s going to cost someone’s life.” Maybe then, we would back away. Maybe if we’d look at the price tag to porn, we’d see 39 lashes to an innocent man. Or if we realized that a little lie cost someone a spear in their side. I wish we’d look at disobeying the parents as costing shoving the crown of thorns on the head of a king. I’m not trying to measure sin here Av, that’s not what I’m doing. I just wish we realized what we did to an innocent, perfect man. And when we realize it, I pray to God that we put ourselves into the criminal’s seat and realize it was us who did that.

I beat Him 39 times.

I spit on Him.

I mocked Him.

I shoved a crown of thorns on His precious head.

I took that hammer and nailed Him to a splintery tree.

I watched with a smile as He cried out in pain.

I stabbed Him in the side.

I killed Jesus.

And I’m really ashamed to say that I enjoyed every second.

I cried, who nailed him there, this child of peace and mercy? Who nailed him there? Come and face me like a man. Who nailed him there? And the crowd began to mock me. I cried oh my God, I just don’t understand, and I turned and saw the hammer, in my hand.

I loved every second of the sin I was living in, and I kept on doing it. That is why Jesus had to die. I killed Him. I beat Him within an inch of His life, and then watched as He hung there and died. Av, you know how much I hate to hurt people, how much I hate to even hate to hurt other things. How I hate to run over the dead things in the road. Not because it’s gross but because I feel sorry for it. And here I went and killed the Savior. A living, breathing, innocent man.

Scarlet thread that ties the beginning to the end.

It’s true. He is and was God. He could have simply stepped off the cross and healed Himself. He could have ordered an army of angels to rain death upon the people who hurt Him, but He hung there. He hung there because He was and is the thread that ties the beginning to the end. He was part of a plan. A plan that I earnestly believe He believed in. He hung there for me, and I know that as he was hanging there in the most horrid pain, because although He was God, He was still just a man, He still felt pain; He still felt heartache. I believe that He was thinking of me.

Calvary reminds me that you always planned

To carry my burdens in two nail scarred hands

Can you still think I’m worth what you had to go through

Calvary reminds me you do.

I believe that He was thinking of me the whole time. I believe that He saw my life play out a million times, mistakes and all. And the fact that He still hung there proved to me that He thought I was worth it. That He thought that I was special and that I would go on to do the most amazing things for Him. I won’t go on to really talk about how He was also thinking of you the whole time, and every other person to ever grace the face of the planet, because that blows my mind to pieces.

You don’t bring up my failures, my sin and regret,

It’s mercy and love you don’t let me forget.

I can’t imagine what you see in me.

It’s more than I can take in.

The human is flawed. Even at its best, it is still as a filthy rag. The Bible says that. Even so, Jesus never once brings up my failures. He never looks at me and says you should be grateful because look who you were. He just loves me. He just fills me up with His mercy. Jesus doesn’t look at my past. He tells me that it’s been done away with and forgotten. Jesus looks at my heart right now. He looks at His home and I think He likes it in there. He keeps it all held together. He keeps it calm. His love irradiates inside of me, and I know that He is why my heart is still beating :).

It’s all about the blood.

It’s all about Calvary.

It’s all about mercy flowing down an old rugged tree.

It’s all about grace.

It’s all about a sacrifice.

God’s love is all about the blood of Jesus Christ.

I’m so glad that Jesus sacrificed His life, and His blood for me.

I love you Av.

Letter Number Thirteen

{photocredit: RD Photography}

11/1/10

Dearest Av,

I know that this is letter number two, but :) I like to write you when I have something really special, and something really important on my mind. And yes, it has to do with God :). Simply because when I think of Him, it consumes my mind. It’s all I can think about all day, or until the next big thought comes along. And really, I like that. I like knowing that He’s up there plundering about and keeping away the unholy thoughts. :)

Today, let’s you and me take a trip to the ocean :) I want to point some things out and I think you might just like what I have to point out and what I have to say.

I’ve never really told anyone besides Courtney this, but when I was younger, I looked up while I prayed. I still like to. I don’t mean it out of irreverence, it’s just, when I feel the sunlight on my face, I can imagine God better. The sunlight is warm, and I think God is warm like this. :)

Another thing I wonder is if God’s heartbeat thunders like the ocean crashing into the rocky shore. His heartbeat would sound pretty I think. :) I’d like to hear it someday.

I also received an email today that said...

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.

He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem ;

not to mention that Friday at Calvary .

Face it, He's crazy about you. :)

I love that :) For so many reasons. He sends us flowers, :) and we never realize it or think about it in that way. He paints us a sunrise each and every morning to say :) I love you, Have a good day.

HE COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE, AND HE CHOSE my HEART!

Just thinking about that line humbles me to my knees. The one, true, almighty lamb of God CHOSE to live in the heart of one of the wretched and most vile humans walking the earth. Not so people would look at Him and pity Him, not because He’s getting paid to, but because He loves me with a love so pure, and so infinite, that just a small shaving of this love, a mere speck, could light up the eastern sky for an eternity.

And the fact that the Creator of Love is crazy about me, just completely floors me. I have no idea what to say about this. It’s really just hard for me to fathom this kind of selfless love. A love that does not love for a reward. A love so mighty that it makes the stars twinkle, a love that is so powerful it forces the ocean waves onto the shore and back out to sea again, a love so strong that it stands the tests of time. A love that is free, and beautiful, and all mine.

I absolutely LOVE that this love is the very backbone of my love for you Av. So I want to make you a vow.

My darling,

I promise to love you always, even when times get hard, and even when we are not agreeing as well as we would like.

I promise that when I am hateful that I will attempt to keep that hatred inside until God can demolish it.

I promise to try not to take things out on you when I’m upset.

I promise to ask you to come back to bed when you get mad and decide to sleep on the couch.

I promise to miss you when you’re not around.

I promise to always pray for you.

I love you Av, and I want to have the best relationship possible with you.

Letter Number Twelve

{photocredit: zil4eva}

November 1, 2010

My beloved.

I wanted to use this picture for two reasons.

1. It reminded me of a verse.

2. Those things are just too cute J check out those bows.

Okay, on a totally serious note, so this picture reminded me of a verse and a story in the bible J So, it totally reminds me of the story where God Almighty came to Moses in the form of a burning bush which is, a.) way too cool. b.) really beautiful, and a miracle in itself, but it really reminds me of a specific verse found in that story that says..

“And he said, Draw not nigh hither: put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground.” (Exodus 3:5). J That is powerful. J

I love this story for so many reasons, but can you imagine how awesome this would be Av?

Here you are, mighty prince of Egypt turned shepherd, demoted of royalty in all ways imaginable, from the palace to the streets. You’re bored to death I’m sure, watching the flock does not sound like the most entertaining job, and you come upon this bush that is on fire. It’s kind of strange, you admit, seeing a random bush ablaze in the wilderness, you almost dismiss it, until you notice something and have to do a double and triple take. This bush isn’t disintegrating, it’s not charring over, the leaves are still intact and green as an emerald. This is enough to get your attention, so you walk over, and God Almighty, the Creator of the sun and moon and stars, calls out to you from this bush and says Moses, Moses, Here am I.

And he had to have known it was God, J how could you mistake that? How could you write that off? And God continues by saying Take off your shoes, because you are standing on holy ground. J I love that, because before God sent that angel to be the fire ablaze on the bush, before He began to speak from the midst of this very bush, it was nothing, just another bush in the wilderness. And the ground was nothing special, but because of God’s presence, it turned the ground into a holy meeting place between Moses and his Creator. J

And I find this so special because I can relate to this story in so many ways.

1. I am that bush. I was nothing, a nobody, just another sinner taking up oxygen and space. I had no plan. No direction. Nothing to look forward to in life, because I wasn’t really all that special. Just another bush in the wilderness. And when Jesus saved me. When Jesus drowned my sin in His holy, cleansing blood, and the Holy Ghost was sent into my heart to dwell, I became holy ground. J CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT J That totally blows my mind in every being and sense of the term. J And I trust and believe with all my heart that God is going to speak through me, that He is going to make me like unto a lantern in the darkness and when people look at me, God is going to say, HEY. HEY! See this girl? Here am I. I live in her, and she loves me. This is my child. AND I LOVE HER. <3

But then again, I need to be careful now that I am holy ground. God says Take your shoes off. This is more than just a sign of respect, this is saying, I know that you are God Almighty, I know you created the world, I know you hold the future in Your precious and marvelous hand. And who am I that you would even love me. I am so wretched and vile, But you love me. Taking your shoes off to me, is really just watching what you put in your heart. Taking your shoes off means making sure, that you are feeding that fire in your heart with the word of life, His living water. It’s showing God that you acknowledge the fact that you are His now, and that you are now a temple. J

Another thing that I really like about this story is the fact that God used Moses. Moses wasn’t a leader until God made him one. He basically tells God that he can’t do it. BUT GOD says Yes you can.

I love this because, without God, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even make it through the day Av. I was depressed and I was lonely and I just wanted to give away everything to be with someone who I wasn’t supposed to be with anyway. And God looks at me, and He tells me that I am beautiful, and that there is someone out there for me. AND HE alone gives me the strength and the power and the peace to wait for you. J He fills me up with Him so that He can use me to touch other people.
I love how much He does for me Av.

And I know I say this all the time, but I pray to the Creator of the stars that you love Him as much as I do.

Because its not going to work otherwise.

I love you Av.

Love Me.